The Facade of Adultery
In “5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Cheated“, point #3 said The Other Woman Doesn’t Know You. And you Don’t Know Her.
A friend and someone who I have tremendous respect for asked me about that specific point. He said that he appreciated the post and even forwarded it on to his adult sons but he asked if I would be willing to expand on that point. So, that is exactly what I will attempt to do here. Thanks for the support, Bill.
Since you are reading this, I am going to assume you fall in to one of the following categories:
- You are married or plan to be one day and you want to do all you can to prevent an affair and/or protect your marriage.
- You are in an affair and you know that you need help.
- You are contemplating an affair and you want answers.
- You know someone who is in an affair and you want to help them get out.
Any of these are good reasons to keep reading but I am going to address this post to you men that are either in an affair or are considering jumping from the ledge of temptation to the rocky ground of adultery. But this could just as easily apply to women.
I understand the intoxication of an affair. I do, I get it. You have somehow met that woman who finally gets you. She listens to you, she laughs at your jokes, she compliment you and she WANTS to be with you. This is how it was meant to be. *sigh*she’s the one…
Am I describing how you feel? I suspect I am and let’s be honest — who wouldn’t want that? We all crave that to some degree.
B-b-but, Jason, you don’t understand…I love her!
Not only do you not love her, YOU DON’T KNOW HER!
Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been around her when she is having a bad day? No, I don’t mean being around her while she complains about her job or current spouse. I mean, have you been the bad part of her bad day? Have they ever been pissed off at you? Have you ever been around them when they didn’t want to be around you?
Chances are good that you haven’t. In fact, chances are good that every encounter you have with her is all rainbows and butterflies. That may be because you are sneaking around your wife’s back to be alone with them. So, why spend that precious time fighting or talking about the realities of life? You don’t get together with your mistress to discuss the bills or how to discipline your kids. That’s no fun, right?
The truth is, the real draw to the affair is that it is a break from reality! It’s a total facade!
Allow me to nerd out for a just second — what’s really happening to you is that your brain is being flooded with something called dopamine. The Urban Dictionary defines dopamine as: The kick ass chemical in your brain that makes you feel and do happy things… whatever they may be.” It’s the “feel good” chemical in your brain.
You are enamored with all of her best qualities (like you once were with your wife) and likely blind to any of her lesser qualities.
It’s been said that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Well, if that’s true then that really just means that —
you aren’t taking care of the grass on your side of the fence.
But even if it is somehow greener grass, it’s still grass and it will come with its on set of problems. Maybe not right away, but eventually, you will be faced with a whole new set of problems. We all have weaknesses and they will eventually show up.
Now, if your plan is to keep bailing out every time to crap hits the fan, then by all means, keep going down this path. You’ll have incremental fun but you’ll end up alone and with a long list of divorces and broken hearts.
And while I’ve said it before, it’s worth saying again —
Eventually, you will see that you are the common denominator in all of your broken relationships.
But if what you really want is true intimacy, then please, slap yourself, literally, slap yourself right now or do whatever you have to do to snap out of the drunken state infatuation and realize what you are doing! (if you are unable or unwilling to slap yourself, then please ask a friend to do it for you)
If your marriage is broken then fix it! Your spouse, while not perfect, is not solely responsible for your marriage.
Instead of bouncing from marriage to marriage and heartbreak to heartbreak, why not spend that time working on yourself with a licensed therapist so that your marriage may become all you once hoped it would be?
See, right now, you are hoping to find love and happiness based on your intuition…your gut.
Spoiler Alert: You cannot have a truly successful marriage by just using your gut.
Can you imagine flying on a plane that was built by someone who used only their intuition? Well, trying to navigate the complexities of marriage without some level of education is likely to end poorly.
Like an aerospace engineer who had to go to school to learn about propulsion and flight dynamics, you have to learn how to have a good marriage.
No, you don’t have to go to school for it but you do need to be taught. And there are countless resources out there that will get you on the right path. But you have to want to get better at it. You have to want to make your marriage great!
Just remember, that this other relationship you are in isn’t real. It is a facade. Besides, do you really want your next relationship to be built on a foundation of deceit and lies?
Perhaps what is really happening is that life has simply gotten in the way of having the marriage that you really want. So, instead of putting the time and energy into the affair (which isn’t going to last), try putting that level of effort into you marriage and make it all that you want it to be! Maybe even try THIS to get started.
Go have fun with your wife, tell her how amazing she is and remind her how amazing you are by reinventing your marriage! You and your wife are worth it!